Life

Life.

What an interesting story it can paint.

I think all the ups and downs of life are the main factors that make life worth living but of course everyone would be wishing that they have more ups than downs. Who wouldn't, right? And as for me, I've recently been feeling a lot downs in my life but I'm not ashamed to admit it cause I know maybe that could just be how God is punishing me for all the bad things that I may have done in the past. 

This coming new year, I really hope that I can once again step out into the world out of my comfort nest. After 'hibernating' in this little nest of mine, I suppose it's time to be out there again. Well, I'll admit it. I'm a little bit afraid and nervous to be there again. That day, while I was walking back from groceries, I suddenly had a very weird feeling. That lonely feeling that I'm alone again, powerless and all. Well, I certainly hope that's not gonna be true because that would just be a disaster after building such strong empire back in those days and suddenly to have me collapse to ground zero would just be utterly unacceptable. 

These few days, I'm just at home being a carefree person enjoying my summer break to the max discounting those summer flings, of course, haha. And that's because, even though I'm still a college guy and it's supposed to be about fun, I consider the priority to the fact that my heart belongs to someone whom I really care about. And I really hope that we can last for as long as we can. Because no one has ever let me feel so deep and passionate about a relationship. For all those guys in the past, those are mere one-sided unreturned love but this time I do feel something very warm coming from his side even though he keeps on questioning himself that he might hurt me one day. Well, if he can hurt me, that only proves that how much he has let me fall for him all these while.

LuvBoBo

The Person In My Life

I know that this is kinda overly dramatic trying to say that now B is the man in my life. But as crazy and as dramatic as it sounds, he is at the moment. I always questioned and thought that I won't be a faithful person and would like to fool around and have fun considering my age and stuffs. But I am actually not. As surprising as it sounds, I am actually kinda faithful and respect my partner. Even though B might be the first official partner I have ever been into, he might already be the person whom I will take care of and like to be taken care of by. And although we're kinda not totally official yet, I am already devoting myself to him. WTH right. He always says that at my age I should be going out and have more fun and stuffs. And meet people. Yeah, that's what I'll do but everything with my clothes on from now on unless I got really wasted, the kind that would get me hungover the next day. And that's exactly what I have told him too. Both of us know that there's is a chance that he would leave Canberra for a his career. Honestly, I have no plans when that really happens. And yesterday he asked me what I would do if he got back with his ex, and I said I dunno because I don't really anticipate for that to happen. As naive as it may sound, but I know this is what relationship should be like, isn't it. The fact that you never know what's exactly gonna happen and the fact that when two people are together, they feel like the whole world has disappeared and the time has stopped and that at that moment of time, being together seems like a very important thing and being together seems like forever. That's exactly what I'm feeling at the moment. I guess this is what a relationship is all about.

LuvBoBo

Questions

I don't get it. Why am I questioning myself? Why am I not confident at all? I think I may have found the perfect for me, who cares for me, who is concerned about me and all. But why am I not giving myself in to him? Why am I still questioning? How come I am still not trusting him 100% when I should have quite some time ago? I really don't have the answer with me. Is it because there are too many opposing views out there telling me that this is not the right guy for me? Well, I don't really care at the moment. I don't mind he's 42. I don't mind that he has an ex-wife. I don't mind that he has an ex-bf whom he brings traveling with. I don't mind that he has kids. I don't mind him at all. But the thing that I don't really get is the fact that sometimes I'm doubting him. Sometimes I feel like he's cheating on me. But somehow I also feel like he's not at the same time. I feel that he really does care for me and that he'll be truthful and loyal to me. Is this what people say the true beauty of a relationship? That you can't know for sure what's gonna happen next and what it has for you the very next second or minute. I have absolutely no idea. But one thing for sure is that I know very well deep within me that I feel happy, full and satisfied whenever I'm with him. Is that enough to prove that he's the one for me?

LuvBoBo

Mistakes: A Way To Learn

Today I learned that mistakes is a very good way of learning. Well I suppose I should say I once again reminded today. I have already known for a long time that people learn throught making mistakes and of course that's the best way to learn something that you'll remember and know for a life time. But why am I so afraid to make some for myself?
I think I screwed up big time. I sorta think that although I have the faith that my results for this semester are gonna be alright but it definitely wouldn't be alright for the old me. It definitely is not good enough for the best in me. I admit the fact that I cared too much about perfection that I forgot how to make mistakes. I acknowledged the fact that I'm actually scared to make mistakes ever since I got perfection in my life.
Well, I should say 'So what?!'. I can't changed whatever that has happened. The only thing, the only rightful decision that I could make now is to learn from whatever that I have not made in the past semester. That's how I can be perfect. Going through the ups and downs of life and finishing the whole cycle. Just like a racer would not quit halfway but finish the race till the very end.
So I aim to improve and be better and not regret about the mistakes that I have made. I should think of ways to remind myself that these mistakes are the bits and pieces that I have not learned how to deal with yet and it is time to get these skiills into my personal almanac. I suppose what I should do as of now is to list down every single thing that I didn't do and every single thing that I did wrong last semester and make it an effort to improve on them.
LuvBoBo

A Realization

I suddenly reflected upon the way I did things this semester and started to do some self evaluations. And so I happen to find out that I am actually better off flying solo than being in a team. Not that I'm not a good team player but that I like working under my own stress, my own pace and of course my own flexibility. I actually realized this while trying to revise for my marketing paper. And therefore started reflecting on the different assessment pieces that we've got so far. Or maybe this could just simply indicate that I'm born to lead. I'm natural leader. Which basically explains why I can plan and think so much better when I'm all by myself rather generating ideas and working out ideas with other people. Then all I have to do would be to let people under me know what's the plan and ask them to carry out for me which certain due dates and certain quality to be expected. I guess all of these kinda make sense a little bit why I'm always so ambitious and so competitive with myself. Actually I don't really care who's the best and so on. What I really do care is the fact whether or not I have achieved my own set of targets and whether or not I've gotten what I wanted myself to get. Myself is the true enemy and the true competition. 

And also recently I started to find back the old me. I should say my old fighting spirit. The fighting spirit which carries lots of confidence, certainty and firmness with it. I'm kinda proud with that but at the same time I need to keep reminding myself that every passing day is an opportunity to shape and mould myself into a better person. Because I believe there's is a greater goal in achieving the meaning of life.

LuvBoBo

Lost

These few days have been really weird for me. I feel different to the person that I used to be. I feel strange with all the unfamiliar feelings that I felt. I don't feel as 'me' anymore if you know what I mean. The cockiness. The certainty. The confidence. The bitchiness. The feeling of I'm sure I'm right. Because lately I really don't think all these apply to me as frequent as they used to. So hopefully I'll gain myself back soon and bounce back to normal. That's what I felt for the Econ paper this morning. Like, I'm not sure anymore what I'm doing, either to myself or with myself. So I need to find and regain myself. The old me. For the betterment of the remaining papers that I would have to sit for and for the betterment of the interview that I would have to attend.

I need to feel right again. The feeling that I'm right because I'm KK. The feeling that I'm lucky because I'm KK. The feeling that I'm the chosen one because I'm KK. Those are the feelings that I need to regain back in order for me to feel right again. In order for me to feel normal again. In order for me to be like the old me again. Don't wanna be lost anymore. As the old me would be someone who is always certain and sure of whatever he's doing. Therefore, I need that feeling and strength again. In order not to be lost.

P.S. I had my very first blood test yesterday to check for STI. I suppose more specifically to prove myself clean of HIV. It was not as bad as I expected it to be in terms of pain and swelling and so on. So overall it was pretty alright. And now all we have to do is wait for the results to be released next week. Gotta make an appointment with Dr. Hope tomorrow for the coming Friday consult. Hopefully everything is alright *fingers crossed*.

LuvBoBo

Since When I Forgot How To Do So

Over the past few days, I’m supposed to be revising and revisiting the materials that have been taught throughout this whole semester. I ended up could not concentrate as the study method I used was totally not me at all. Until last night, when I was talking to one of my friends that I realized that I have forgotten that was the way to do things. Since when? I mean, since when, did that study method I’ve been using my whole life slip away from my practice? It’s just so unbelievable! Isn’t it? I mean I am who I am and I should be whom I used to be. So today I’m gonna go back to that old me. The confident one. The certain one. 

LuvBoBo.