Lost

These few days have been really weird for me. I feel different to the person that I used to be. I feel strange with all the unfamiliar feelings that I felt. I don't feel as 'me' anymore if you know what I mean. The cockiness. The certainty. The confidence. The bitchiness. The feeling of I'm sure I'm right. Because lately I really don't think all these apply to me as frequent as they used to. So hopefully I'll gain myself back soon and bounce back to normal. That's what I felt for the Econ paper this morning. Like, I'm not sure anymore what I'm doing, either to myself or with myself. So I need to find and regain myself. The old me. For the betterment of the remaining papers that I would have to sit for and for the betterment of the interview that I would have to attend.

I need to feel right again. The feeling that I'm right because I'm KK. The feeling that I'm lucky because I'm KK. The feeling that I'm the chosen one because I'm KK. Those are the feelings that I need to regain back in order for me to feel right again. In order for me to feel normal again. In order for me to be like the old me again. Don't wanna be lost anymore. As the old me would be someone who is always certain and sure of whatever he's doing. Therefore, I need that feeling and strength again. In order not to be lost.

P.S. I had my very first blood test yesterday to check for STI. I suppose more specifically to prove myself clean of HIV. It was not as bad as I expected it to be in terms of pain and swelling and so on. So overall it was pretty alright. And now all we have to do is wait for the results to be released next week. Gotta make an appointment with Dr. Hope tomorrow for the coming Friday consult. Hopefully everything is alright *fingers crossed*.

LuvBoBo

Since When I Forgot How To Do So

Over the past few days, I’m supposed to be revising and revisiting the materials that have been taught throughout this whole semester. I ended up could not concentrate as the study method I used was totally not me at all. Until last night, when I was talking to one of my friends that I realized that I have forgotten that was the way to do things. Since when? I mean, since when, did that study method I’ve been using my whole life slip away from my practice? It’s just so unbelievable! Isn’t it? I mean I am who I am and I should be whom I used to be. So today I’m gonna go back to that old me. The confident one. The certain one. 

LuvBoBo.

A Four Season Year

You know people always say how many incidents can happen in a year. Well, in a four season year things are just gonna get more interesting and fascinating. 

Year 2009 is one of the years that passed by so quickly that I didn't even have the chance to glance back and reflect on what had filled this year.

These are some of the significant moments that occurred this year which are really dear to me.

• PETROACT, We were having our AGM the other day and it was at the same venue where we first had our very welcome dinner at our very first day in Canberra. Looking back, it just told you that how fast time has passed and how soon it is to be knowing that I'll be done with my first year at university. Of course, the very first day and night that I spent in Canberra is significant to be posted here in my personal 2009 events journal.
• Traveling, How much I have travelled during these past 9 months or so and how many places I have visited. These experiences are very worth remembering and very enriching at the same time. It's good to know that going to INTEC and undergo the 18 months of torture wasn't so bad after all. You have friends everywhere. Places visited in chronology - Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Gold Coast, Sydney, Sydney. As of now, I'm just gonna save up money and see what I can do for this coming summer.
• Personal life, No doubt that I've gained a lot within these few months and met a lot of people and heaps of guys. Haha. But the most significant one is yet to come but I think he has already appeared in my life. And how everything would proceed would actually depends on the meeting tonight whether we're just gonna be regular meet-ups or proceed to another level. So be patient.

LuvBobo

What's Going On?‏

Not sure what's going on at the moment? But I can't seem to concentrate. I can't even do anything apart from slacking and delaying what I should be doing for both my Marketing and Accounting assignment. Is it because love finally struck on me and that it's on another level compared to those imaginary ones that I've had before? I can't even say what it is for sure. I just know that it finally felt right with Brett and that I'm in bliss whenever I'm with him. The fact that this is happening is sorta predictable after the first meeting that his ex wanna get together again. Kinda should have prepared myself to protect myself from getting hurt. The resistance that he was trying to impose the other night had been for good use but the both of just couldn't resist it. We're just like two people who;re not meant to fall for each other. I know that somewhere some place in his heart that he can't the bear the feelings of leaving me but sometimes that's just the way it is.

To be frank, actually it is not official yet, Everything is just like pending but it seems like I'm kinda already preparing for the worst. So much for being the optimistic me all these while. I just know that I'm afraid to being told what's it gonna be when the time has finally come. Unless it's working for me not against me. So what I could really do now is nothing but just to be praying about it that luck would be on my side. And that's the thing that's keeping me from concentrating with my life and carry on doing stuffs that I'm supposed to be doing.
LuvBoBo

Love or Crush

I'm all guilty right now because as of this very second and moment I should not be having a dilemma whether that's love or just a crush. What's going on with me? 

On the one side, I think I have finally found that someone but the thing is he's been married before and he has two kids. However, I can feel that there's an honesty that's coming from him and I can feel the family-ness with him.

On the other side, I know I'm pretty much a bit greedy and lusty that I realize I have a crush on my coursemate. How pathetic that is. Pathetic because he doesn't even know. Well, he's not supposed to know anyway. Or else it wouldn't be a crush anymore. It'd be more like an unreturned liking. Haha.

Whatever it is, the dilemma here is that should I be focusing on the family guy that I managed to meet in life or should I wait for the little and mere possibilities that somehow crush guy would like me too? 

LuvBoBo

Predestined

As usual I always have my emotional moments when the exams or due dates are approaching and therefore would be wondering away and daydreaming. And that's basically how I get to wonder and thought about this predestined issue. 

I was watching Masterchef this once and then I get to see the pure happiness coming from the hearts of the contestants shown clearly without any hiding on their bright faces. And also while watching the Australian Idol 2009 I get to feel the moments once I treasured so much for being one of the most important elements in my life. And now, all those privileges are being taken and robbed away from me. This incident occurred on the very day that I signed and handed in what I labelled as and called my 'sale of selfness' contract. That's because that marked the very beginning of my predestined life. To be frank and truthful, I'm not a 'rules and regulations' person. I wanna be as flexible and care free as possible as I can. However, this thought seems so far away and merely possible now. 

That's the very when my freedom was taken away from me. Stereotypical thinking might say that people out there would be so envious of me because of this so called 'golden opportunity' offered to me plus the fact that I'm smart, clever, achieved good grades, yada yada yada but I truly and honestly think I envy those people out there more than I think I'm good. Honestly. And seriously. Not to say I don't like my life at the moment and not to say that I'm an ungrateful person either. Just that I don't embrace the thought of the reality that the way I could mould and shape my future is being so limited right now without me breaching the contract.

That's one thing. The second fact that I'm kinda not proud to announce to the world would be that the 'golden opportunity' actually requires me to be very 'detachable'. And that's the thing that I'm not looking forward to either. It's such a sin to give such a irresistible temptation which is basically now still a hole that I can never ever fall into at the moment. Wonder how it would be like to be free again. 

That's all for now I guess before I tune into the 'emotional' mode again.

LuvBoBo

Changes of life

Dear dears,

It's been quite some time since I last posted or wrote anything here. I'm not really sure this is a good sign or the other one. The thing is I usually only post stuffs when I feel the need of having someone to listen to my problems so that I'd feel much better. So I suppose this could be a sign that I'm having less problems nowadays or it's just the fact that I'm either too lazy or too busy to get them heard. Haha. 

Oh well not really. I'm kinda feeling confused and sad at the moment thinking some things here are not gonna be permanent. I always have to move on from one place to another. At least I'm less prone to make rash and irrational decisions nowadays. That's a good thing. But back to the main point, the thing is I don't wanna be so easily attachable and detachable. I don't wanna be flexible like the Post-it Stick On notes. What I''m really asking for is so that good things that ever happen to me stay with me. I do realize that my journey here in Australia has become more and more interesting but the thing is as we always say, all thing have to come to an end. Well, can it not please. Because frankly even though I'm the type of person who seeks changes in life, at the same time I'm also vulnerable and scared of the unknowns that are awaiting me ahead in life.

To some people it mat seems like a good thing to have a bit of a mystery and surprise in life. Good ones are not too bad though. It's all about when someone is starting to have real connections and real attachments to something that they're committed to, then that's the hard thing to give up in life.

LuvBobo