Love ≠ Power

Powerless. This is the first time I felt so powerless in my life. Here in uni. Here in Canberra. Here in Australia. Here, my heart was stolen by someone. Someone whom I love and care so much about.

It has been one week I did not make my bed. And it has been one week too since I last saw B and have a very strong feeling that I would wanna spend every moment with him, again. Undoubtedly, he is the man who makes such a mark in my life. He is also undoubtedly the one whom I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with. I am willing to go forever with him.

Only B. Only he can make me feel so special and cared for. Only he can make me like I'm really gorgeous as he likes to put it. Yet, at the same time, he is also the only one who can make feel so powerless. Powerless that I dunno what to expect. Powerless that I don't have the capacity to change his mind about the whole age issue. Powerless that I can't convince him that I do not mind at all.

These few days have been better though. Getting to meet him the other day and getting several texts from him really got me stoked. He is the only one who can steal my breath away.

Good Gray~!

Good gracious me! Doesn't time flies like a supersonic jet,or anything that could fly faster? Phew, gracious me, it's already Week 8 and it's the last day some more, to add the taste of it. How I wish time would just slow down a little bit. Not that the journey wasn't fulfilling but more like the journey taken as a whole is too precious to lose without the ability to savor it. The semester has moved on so fast that within two weeks' time, it's yet time again to hand in assignments and also undergo some break time, like FINALLY!?! I feel single but at the same time I also think I have not moved on much with B. Besides, I always feel very much loved and cared for whenever I am spending time either with B or A. And now, I even have a "Russian internet boyfriend" who communicate with me on an ongoing basis. Haha. Shouldn't I then feel privileged? Then why am I still feeling very confused and unsatisfied? I suppose the ideal person to take my heart would be B but age is such as issue for him and the fact that we never really did much during the past year. A is also pretty good and that we have very similar thinking but then again this isn't what he wants. And with my RIB, he's still in Russia like D'uh and the fact we have never met and all, it's just too complicated.

And Here I Am

Having an conversation the other day with A made me realized that I actually kinda like him but at the same time it also made me realized that I could have been liking him and wanting him just because I still haven't given up and moved on from B. I know that sounds awfully complicated but that's the way it is now. When he said 'no', initially I did feel a pinch but afterwards I realized it is not a pinch of rejection, but more of a wake up pinch. A wake up call that made realized I could have just been wanting him as a substitute for B. The reason why I finally became clear was because that when B texted me the other day saying he'll probably find out whether he's finally going interstate in two weeks' time, I could still feel the kick in the gut, and hence that's when I found out I have not truly moved on from him. And as I have told myself until I do so, it would be unwise and unfair to let someone else in. And therefore, I haven't and here I am being single and all. 

Sometimes Old Tricks Work The Best

I caught with B last night. I have never thought of it actually as I have been channeling my focus on other areas, or perhaps someone else, lately. Never would have thought I could get to see him bit it was good although it did smudged my feelings and focus once again. After the incident, it just made me wonder and question a lot about A. While I was supposed to be having a good night by going out and enjoying myself and at the same time to see for myself what's out there, it got me thinking whether I wanted A was simply because I have let him in or was it simply because he was the nearest substitute I could get. If it was the latter, then it would not have been fair to anyone, especially himself. I really don't wanna do the wrong thing, but at the same time. I couldn't achieve the right thing because B's definition of the right thing and mine are totally different and also going towards different directions. 

While I was really trying my best to adapt to the transition from B to A, the truth is, sometimes old tricks still work better, because of the familiarity to it all. Now that it has messed with my feelings, I'm just not sure whether I love B more or just simply the fact that I have loved him longer. Well, whatever it is, I guess only time can tell.

He Loves Me

The other day, I was catching up with B after all this while. After quite some time too. After some period of crankiness as well. Well the session was still as hot and romantic as before. However, the thing is that when he was about to leave, he said that he loves me. I was in total shock or disbelief to say the least. But we've already agreed that our relationship would remain a very special friendship. I told him about A and how I think he might be a potential replacement to him. He seems to be OK with it and therefore I asked the ultimate question, whether he would want me to let A in. He said yes because he thought that A seems to be a nice guy and all. Well, even me myself has started to act towards that fact unconsciously. As in, I would dream about him and also that I would think about him every now and then as well.  

I could not deny the fact that I did have some difficulty trying to fall asleep last night thinking and playing over and over again the image when B says he loves me. This is the first time he initiates the 'salutation'. I felt  very amazed. And I guess it's reflected in my non-cohesive nor coherent entry into the blog.

The Perfect Man

I have always said that the perfect man for me would have the following characteristics:-

-ginger head, curly hair, split chin, lefty, no specs, not a doctor, taller than me, able to cook, green eyes and most probably not an Asian (with no racism intended, just a preference)

However, these few weeks of my solo journey without B made me realize that all these are not as important if you can't spend the rest of your life without him. B has fulfilled most of the list.

He does not wear specs, he is in fact taller than me, he is able to cook (very well too), he is not a doctor nor an Asian, while the rest of him are dark blonde, neat hair, wrinkly eyes, right-handed and light blue eyes. Hey, but so what? He is the guy whom I've spent the most amazing 9 months with. He is the guy who actually cares for me. Sadly, he just might not be the guy who can stay by my side. But if there's is any slight chance that he can, who cares whether he is older than me by a leap of years? Well, at least I know I don't.

Somehow, all these made me realize that he is the one. He is my perfect man.

It's Time To Face Things

I'll admit it. Yeah, my results this semester were not so good or probably not good at all considering how it is the worst of all my time here at the ANU. But what can I say. Even though B and I technically broke up on the 5th week but the blues and stress have been going on ever since the exam period. Ever since that he did not wish me good luck.

I'm not exactly sure now whether liking or hating someone is easier. One thing that I do know is that he might have cheated on me when we were together. Not sure whether is the sorta cheating that everyone refers to, or the fact that he has been lying at times. I'm not exactly sure how things are gonna work out, but why can't I just enjoy being single? Why am I so afraid of being alone and being reminded of the wonderful times that I have spent with B? Am I in denial? I actually have no room for that sorta of thinking at the moment. All I want to know is that I'm "clean" when I receive my results this coming Thursday. It's very important to me.

For how long that I have not been updating this blog is for how long that I have been running from my own sadness and try not to feel bad about it. I know that I would have A now but is he the better man or the better substitute? That's because I do not want to substitute him for B. I feel that is unfair for him because he is such a nice guy but at the same time I do not dare to treat him like the better man because I'm not sure yet whether he has the same feelings for me or not.

Taking the bus this coming Thursday might be another nostalgic ride. Because the other day, sitting in the bus while waiting for it to take me to my destination, the whole journey only reminded me of one thing. The moments that I have had with B. All the wonderful memories of the past year. So I was wondering whether it is time to fit all those parts and parcels of my life into a box and seal it away in one corner of my heart? The thing is I was so ready to 'delete' B from my system until he gave me a ring the other day that started to create false hopes in me again. Sigh. Another thing that's hurting is the fact that he's not replying my texts or calls. Is he avoiding me on purpose, for the so-called right thing to do? I dunno. I can't read minds. Only time will tell, somehow that's the feelings I got.