Exam..or weekend blues..

Workaholic. I wonder how someone becomes a workaholic. Staying in the library since this morning looking at the accounting stuffs that I need to master by Monday morning for a few hours has already gotten me sick to the stomach. I really wonder how B does it. I wonder how someone can really be so into his/her work that he/she can just momentarily cuts him/herself from the world. If there’s anyone that would ever do that, it definitely would not be me. Today is also officially that we haven’t caught up for 3 weeks. During these last few days, especially after that conversation really makes me wonder whether he’s the right person anymore. Why do I suddenly have doubts in him? Is that the reason why he kept on saying he’s not good enough? Is it because of his experience and all that tell him he’s that sorta person who would not fit into my life?

And I’m kinda struggling too. Suffering inside that how on earth am I gonna tell him the whole thing. Because I know it sucks to hold it in and live with that guilt. Well, I guess what I’m really scare of is the fact that I wouldn’t know how he’s gonna react to it. Do I want him to be OK with it or do I want him to feel bad and sorta hates me a little bit? I dunno which is actually better. I really have no idea. No idea on whether I would be able to fork up the courage at the end to let him know about the whole thing. I just think that a healthy relationship needs to have a certain level of honesty. And I just think the only way to spill out the truth would be to keep embracing positive thoughts and just do it!

Besides, was I ever a workaholic before this? I dunno. But the one thing that I know for sure is the fact that I am not doing that great anymore in my studies. Used to be the perfectionist when it comes to academics, but now it just seems so less important. Looking at the PETS website this afternoon to look out for new announcements, and it was then I realized that the people who actually would be SI-ed this coming July are actually selected based on their academic performance. It was selected for people who managed to maintain a WAM of 75/80. After I calculated the WAM for all the 11 courses that I have done so far, I realized that my WAM was only somewhere like 73. OMG, right? I am now officially only an average D student. No longer being on the top of my game. I was wondering whether it’s the relationship with B as well.

After watching another episode of Gossip Girl where Blair just said that she has loved Chuck too much and she didn’t like the person she’s turning into because of that. Is the same thing happening to me? I mean, loving B too much that I’m to retarded to function. Because I think, B is right to a certain extent when he says he wants me to be able to ‘do stuffs’ which I often vaguely rejected over the past few months because I was secretly hoping that I would get the chance to get up with B. Sigh. A little too late to be regretful, isn’t it?

And that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now, while typing this entry, thinking that I haven’t really put much effort into doing my assignments this semester, if any, at all! My gosh! What in the name of God has happened to me? At the beginning of the year, I was like promising myself that I wanna get at least 3 HDs this semester. It is still do-able at this stage, just that I really need to nail that remaining two papers. Well, I better, considering how those two subjects are my majors and the only thing I can be proud of. Plus hopefully I did alright for Italian.

At first, I was feeling a bit relieved to have realized that I could actually substitute EMET1001 with some other second year course to still be able to get my finance major. And that would allow me to continue on my Italian for the next semester. And that’s what got me to the CPA website and, out of curiosity, that’s what got me to click on the Skilled Migration Assessment link and what got me browsing on the immigration website for more than an hour! Wondering whether would I ever be able to extend my stay over here. Sigh. I just think it is so no fair. Not fair that I am being exposed to this wonderful part of the world with wonderful experiences and when the time is up, I’m supposed to leave and wake up from my wonderful dream. That’s utterly so unacceptable. Well, I can only pray and hope that it would all turn out right in the end. Who knows, I might strike a $30m lotto! LOL!

Workaholic

Workaholic. I wonder how someone becomes a workaholic. Staying in the library since this morning looking at the accounting stuffs that I need to master by Monday morning for a few hours has already gotten me sick to the stomach. I really wonder how B does it. I wonder how someone can really be so into his/her work that he/she can just momentarily cuts him/herself from the world. If there’s anyone that would ever do that, it definitely would not be me. Today is also officially that we haven’t caught up for 3 weeks. During these last few days, especially after that conversation really makes me wonder whether he’s the right person anymore. Why do I suddenly have doubts in him? Is that the reason why he kept on saying he’s not good enough? Is it because of his experience and all that tell him he’s that sorta person who would not fit into my life?

And I’m kinda struggling too. Suffering inside that how on earth am I gonna tell him the whole thing. Because I know it sucks to hold it in and live with that guilt. Well, I guess what I’m really scare of is the fact that I wouldn’t know how he’s gonna react to it. Do I want him to be OK with it or do I want him to feel bad and sorta hates me a little bit? I dunno which is actually better. I really have no idea. No idea on whether I would be able to fork up the courage at the end to let him know about the whole thing. I just think that a healthy relationship needs to have a certain level of honesty. And I just think the only way to spill out the truth would be to keep embracing positive thoughts and just do it!

Besides, was I ever a workaholic before this? I dunno. But the one thing that I know for sure is the fact that I am not doing that great anymore in my studies. Used to be the perfectionist when it comes to academics, but now it just seems so less important. Looking at the PETS website this afternoon to look out for new announcements, and it was then I realized that the people who actually would be SI-ed this coming July are actually selected based on their academic performance. It was selected for people who managed to maintain a WAM of 75/80. After I calculated the WAM for all the 11 courses that I have done so far, I realized that my WAM was only somewhere like 73. OMG, right? I am now officially only an average D student. No longer being on the top of my game. I was wondering whether it’s the relationship with B as well.

After watching another episode of Gossip Girl where Blair just said that she has loved Chuck too much and she didn’t like the person she’s turning into because of that. Is the same thing happening to me? I mean, loving B too much that I’m to retarded to function. Because I think, B is right to a certain extent when he says he wants me to be able to ‘do stuffs’ which I often vaguely rejected over the past few months because I was secretly hoping that I would get the chance to get up with B. Sigh. A little too late to be regretful, isn’t it?

And that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now, while typing this entry, thinking that I haven’t really put much effort into doing my assignments this semester, if any, at all! My gosh! What in the name of God has happened to me? At the beginning of the year, I was like promising myself that I wanna get at least 3 HDs this semester. It is still do-able at this stage, just that I really need to nail that remaining two papers. Well, I better, considering how those two subjects are my majors and the only thing I can be proud of. Plus hopefully I did alright for Italian.

At first, I was feeling a bit relieved to have realized that I could actually substitute EMET1001 with some other second year course to still be able to get my finance major. And that would allow me to continue on my Italian for the next semester. And that’s what got me to the CPA website and, out of curiosity, that’s what got me to click on the Skilled Migration Assessment link and what got me browsing on the immigration website for more than an hour! Wondering whether would I ever be able to extend my stay over here. Sigh. I just think it is so no fair. Not fair that I am being exposed to this wonderful part of the world with wonderful experiences and when the time is up, I’m supposed to leave and wake up from my wonderful dream. That’s utterly so unacceptable.

Trying to Figure It out...

Woke up at around 5 this morning. Just couldn't sleep. Lying on my bed, rolling about and thinking much about him and miss him lots too.

Of all my 20 years worth of experience watching love dramas and romantic movies, I know there are two types of girls (well, in conventional context) in this world when it comes to guys. One is the type who will put aside anything, anything for the sake for the guy that she loves. The other type is the one who moves on and does her own stuffs and probably does not pay as much attention to her man as the time she spends with her own career or similar stuffs like that. Well, I guess you all can know by now that I'm probably 90% the former and 10% the latter.

Well, what can I do about it? Like, seriously? Am born a love angel with a soft and fragile heart that cares more about others than my own self.

And yes, just in case you're wondering, I am hurt. Hurt and hurt deeply. It is painful because B is still in Canberra and we have the capacity to be with each other still but he just shuts me off and kinda left in the dark wondering. Wondering whether I would be able to see him again or even have a decent conversation again.

As much as I always say that I would love him to stay in Canberra, the fact is I love him enough to let him go if he gets a new job elsewhere. I love him enough to not be selfish to keep him by my side and restrict him from having the future or career that he wants. I guess at the end of the day, I just have to reflect on what's the meaning of love in this kinda situation.

But now, now he's still here. I don't see any reason for us not to be together. All I'm asking for is that before the time comes, I just ask for us to be together as much as we can. The so-called 'cherish the moment'.

Looking back…

Watching back the drama series that I love so much a few years back, it reminds me of how naive, innocent and shallow I used to be. That’s the me a few years back. Way different from the me today. Different probably for the way I express myself nowadays as turning 21 is just another way of saying that it is time to put a stop to acting childishly. However, people don’t really know the way I think or I feel deep inside my heart. Still soft and fragile as before. Still hopeful and overly optimistic at times. Still willing to do anything for someone who managed to capture and captivate my heart.

But somehow, I think that the change is good. Good because today I have someone close to my heart that I can actually be and spend time with. Unlike in the past, where I can like that person from afar and wonder whether my feelings would be reciprocated, which is pretty much not.

Speaking about change, it also reminded me lots about my ambitions before this. I have always wanted to be a superstar who one day could be as famous and hot-selling as LadyGaGa, if not more. But the other day, it just daunts on me that how much one would have to sacrifice in order to reach that state in life. The time, the availability for friends/family/loved ones etc.

And the other day, while doing my revision at the library, I was just thinking and wondering “Is being an accountant really something that I want?” even though this must be the millionth time I have asked myself the same-old question. Is obsessing about PwC really something that I have passion about? Well, I can’t say for sure but what I can say for sure is that it suddenly daunts on me, what if, what if what I really want in life is just the ability to enjoy life. Inspired after watching SATC2, I was wondering how nice it would be to be a writer, writing about things I have passion for (like now), and spend the spare time that I have while not writing with my friends, family and loved ones, and also cooking and experimenting with crazy and creative ideas, plus going through the ultimate dining experience every week. Wouldn’t a life like that be super-duper wonderful? (I think now you what I mean when I say my thinking is still pretty naive and childish.) But, I think this kinda lifestyle is achievable. It could be my retirement plans. No harm if I could spend the rest of my life with him. And that’s definitely something worth fighting for.

Transferred from betabetasigma

What If I’m The One

I used to say whoever falls for a person so deeply that they cannot function properly or normally is silly. What if I’m the type myself?

What if I’m already fully being swallowed into the world of “Love is blind”? But it is indeed blind. Love is something that will always be bias, because if not, that would not be love anymore. The main reason that we have bias opinions for the things/people we love is simply because we love them that we wannna protect them. Protect them from being abused by others. Protect them from the harmful words and comments those outsiders have.

Therefore, I’m proud to say, or even announce, that I don’t care if I’m being labelled as the one. The reason? Well, I would rather be labelled because I would rather know that my capacity to love is so overly powering than the fact that I’m overly cautious to not allow myself to be brave enough to be submerged into the ocean of love. That’s a process and that’s a whole new experience. No doubt about it but it’s a process that we can learn more about ourselves and be prepared to love someone/something more deeply than ever.

Transferred from betabetasigma

I’m Best At What I Do Best

It’s been quite some time and I thought it’s time to come back and share some interesting news with everyone. Well, this post will be mainly about myself. I think I’m best at ‘running’. Running in quotation marks because I don’t mean it literally. I meant it when in times of desperation, in times of stress, in times of uncertainties, that’s what I do best.

Just get out of it and forget about it for a little while. Just like going out for a jog or a run I suppose. But I’ll strike back eventually. Just a matter of time. I know it’s not the best solution or not the best way in any situation to handle things but that’s who I am.

I can’t help it. There are so many rough ups and downs in my life, and that’s how I handled it every single time. I think the important element here is to be able to reflect and self-evaluate later on. Well, until I come up with a better solution, that’s the method that I’m gonna stick with, and that’s my method since I was a child. I run. Run away from all the problems. And that’s what I do best in life.

Transferred from betabetasigma

Things Are Different Now

You think you are good, but there’s someone out there better than you.
You think you are sneaky, but there’s someone out there sneakier than you.
You think you have hurt someone before, but there’s someone who has hurt more people or caused more hurt than you.

These are the things that we will never know. These are the things that are forever changing.

Sometimes when you are fighting hard for someone, then at one point it just occurs to you, “What’s the point now?!”.

Yeah, that’s the scary part of things because that’s when you’ll be facing the fork, thinking which way to turn and which road to take. And also you’ll wondering about the consequences of each of the alternatives. That’s when you’ll realize things are different now, because you would have known what to do or what you would have done, but instead you stood there thinking, which one. That’s the sign that the ways you handle things are now different from the past.

Transferred from betabetasigma