Workaholic. I wonder how someone becomes a workaholic. Staying in the library since this morning looking at the accounting stuffs that I need to master by Monday morning for a few hours has already gotten me sick to the stomach. I really wonder how B does it. I wonder how someone can really be so into his/her work that he/she can just momentarily cuts him/herself from the world. If there’s anyone that would ever do that, it definitely would not be me. Today is also officially that we haven’t caught up for 3 weeks. During these last few days, especially after that conversation really makes me wonder whether he’s the right person anymore. Why do I suddenly have doubts in him? Is that the reason why he kept on saying he’s not good enough? Is it because of his experience and all that tell him he’s that sorta person who would not fit into my life?
And I’m kinda struggling too. Suffering inside that how on earth am I gonna tell him the whole thing. Because I know it sucks to hold it in and live with that guilt. Well, I guess what I’m really scare of is the fact that I wouldn’t know how he’s gonna react to it. Do I want him to be OK with it or do I want him to feel bad and sorta hates me a little bit? I dunno which is actually better. I really have no idea. No idea on whether I would be able to fork up the courage at the end to let him know about the whole thing. I just think that a healthy relationship needs to have a certain level of honesty. And I just think the only way to spill out the truth would be to keep embracing positive thoughts and just do it!
Besides, was I ever a workaholic before this? I dunno. But the one thing that I know for sure is the fact that I am not doing that great anymore in my studies. Used to be the perfectionist when it comes to academics, but now it just seems so less important. Looking at the PETS website this afternoon to look out for new announcements, and it was then I realized that the people who actually would be SI-ed this coming July are actually selected based on their academic performance. It was selected for people who managed to maintain a WAM of 75/80. After I calculated the WAM for all the 11 courses that I have done so far, I realized that my WAM was only somewhere like 73. OMG, right? I am now officially only an average D student. No longer being on the top of my game. I was wondering whether it’s the relationship with B as well.
After watching another episode of Gossip Girl where Blair just said that she has loved Chuck too much and she didn’t like the person she’s turning into because of that. Is the same thing happening to me? I mean, loving B too much that I’m to retarded to function. Because I think, B is right to a certain extent when he says he wants me to be able to ‘do stuffs’ which I often vaguely rejected over the past few months because I was secretly hoping that I would get the chance to get up with B. Sigh. A little too late to be regretful, isn’t it?
And that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now, while typing this entry, thinking that I haven’t really put much effort into doing my assignments this semester, if any, at all! My gosh! What in the name of God has happened to me? At the beginning of the year, I was like promising myself that I wanna get at least 3 HDs this semester. It is still do-able at this stage, just that I really need to nail that remaining two papers. Well, I better, considering how those two subjects are my majors and the only thing I can be proud of. Plus hopefully I did alright for Italian.
At first, I was feeling a bit relieved to have realized that I could actually substitute EMET1001 with some other second year course to still be able to get my finance major. And that would allow me to continue on my Italian for the next semester. And that’s what got me to the CPA website and, out of curiosity, that’s what got me to click on the Skilled Migration Assessment link and what got me browsing on the immigration website for more than an hour! Wondering whether would I ever be able to extend my stay over here. Sigh. I just think it is so no fair. Not fair that I am being exposed to this wonderful part of the world with wonderful experiences and when the time is up, I’m supposed to leave and wake up from my wonderful dream. That’s utterly so unacceptable. Well, I can only pray and hope that it would all turn out right in the end. Who knows, I might strike a $30m lotto! LOL!
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