A piece of me...the soundtrack of my life.

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That September Weekend

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In my quest for the perfect sunny weather and olive-skin in Sydney, I have decided that this shall be the weekend that I work on my writings again. On the bus journey here, I sort of have already prepared for this journey which I reckon would be quite interesting, relaxing, refreshing yet painful. Exciting because of what is to come. The step or the leap which would mark a turning point in my life. Things that I have never gotten the chance to do or just things that I never thought I would be able to undergo. Painful because this is the journey I would be taking to revisit all those wonderful memories which Brett and I have undergone together. 

Who am I and do I really care about what other people think about what’s happening with my life?

As I’m sitting in Gloria Jean’s at Railway Sq. looking out into the perfect sunny day, a smile broke on my face . Maybe because I’m not afraid anymore. Maybe because I’m about to no longer hide but face the world bravely. Just days before, I’m thinking of running away. Away to places that I have never been to, like Bali, New York City, Europe and the list probably goes on forever. Maybe that was how I was brought up. Running. 

Maybe what I am afraid of, after all, is graduation. Well, I haven’t got any clue how to continue the story of my life. So much for rebellion, hey! So much for taking a random gap year! Maybe I’m still afraid after all. Afraid that I might drag other people down with me. Or maybe it is just that I am afraid to face things alone. I need to say though, that my relationship with sis has gotten much more matured now and better than ever. Don’t let her know about this but I’m really not sure what I would do without her. As much as we don’t really talk to each other that much, I definitely think that we still have that sort of sibling-connections. I would be the one constantly trying to act tough and pretends that nothing is wrong. On the inside, I’m usually the one feeling all the emotions. She, on the other hand. would be the one as if she’s not matured and at all but she is also tougher and wiser than she looks. I suppose these are just the characters that we carry with us all these while and we have gotten so used to it. 

It doesn’t matter now, at least I think so. 

I am random and unpredictable but so what, this is who I am and I am proud to be who I am. 

One of the questions that I hate the most to be asked is “Are you okay?”. I don’t know. Maybe it brings out the weakness in me and I hate to be perceived as weak. Growing up in that tough environment, I guess being weak is just purely unacceptable even for my standards. 

And I also hate being clueless and not being able to do anything about it. For example, in debating. During topic releases, I would start panicking and my heart starts to beat at a slower tempo as well, as if I’m anticipating something to strike. Then, moments after the topic was released, I would be like I have no clue about this thing and I really cannot contribute anything to the discussion during prep time. This would usually make me feel very useless and that’s one of the things that I hate in life as well. Not having control over what is gonna happen next and not being able to do anything about it too. I guess I would have to admit that I am secretly a control freak. Perhaps I should just live life as it comes. Who’s better at planning rather than the almighty God himself?

The trip was cut short when just literally seconds before my massage treatment that I received a text from Brett. He was asking how I was and whether I would be free to be catching up when he comes to here next. I immediately said yes as the usual me would. Decided to drive back with one of my newly found girlfriends. Did I regret it? Not a single bit.

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The October Weekend

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Attending the CPA “Your Choices” information session the other day was like a flu shot given to the boy who has fallen ill for quite some time. Just that morning itself, I received a text from Brett that he is seeing someone and that was exactly like a shard of glass being pierced into my heart, all over again. When you take it out, it still leaves that awful wound that takes time to heal. Sigh..perhaps this is for the best. I have been  heeling and hurting in a cyclical pattern that perhaps this would be the way out. 

The information session reminded me of what I wanted in life before I met Brett. I was totally driven. I knew what I wanted and knew what I needed to do in order to achieve that. I have a plan. A masterplan. One those plans that go Plan A, Plan B, Plan C then contingency plans. I have to admit that the existence of Brett in my life was and is still like the situation where you hold a stack of papers walking down the street on a really windy day, then a gust of wind just blew your stack of paper every where. Non-retrievable. He was my gust of wind. 

He is also the gust of wind that has swept me off my feet, time and time again. 

Leona Lewis’ “Happy” shows me that I deserve to be living my life. At the same time though, the words were so real and reflective of what could be summed up as my situation, especially the part on where she could not turn on the TV because every scene reminds her of something. Exactly the same situation here. 

Mariah Carey’s “Without You” suggests to me that the love has been true and hence it hurts so much. Topped up with Britney Spear’s “From the Bottom of My Broken Heart”, this is a true love that will remain in my heart forever even until the next prince charming comes along. Sometimes I do wonder whether I am like the main character in the movie ‘I am Number 4”? That we can only fall in love once and for all. Does that mean I am meant to be hurting forever then? 

Demi Lovato’s “Skyscrapper” suggests otherwise. It sums it all up in a way that I should have been stronger, way stronger. To be able to withstand any hurdles or come what may. 

Love ≠ Power

Powerless. This is the first time I felt so powerless in my life. Here in uni. Here in Canberra. Here in Australia. Here, my heart was stolen by someone. Someone whom I love and care so much about.

It has been one week I did not make my bed. And it has been one week too since I last saw B and have a very strong feeling that I would wanna spend every moment with him, again. Undoubtedly, he is the man who makes such a mark in my life. He is also undoubtedly the one whom I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with. I am willing to go forever with him.

Only B. Only he can make me feel so special and cared for. Only he can make me like I'm really gorgeous as he likes to put it. Yet, at the same time, he is also the only one who can make feel so powerless. Powerless that I dunno what to expect. Powerless that I don't have the capacity to change his mind about the whole age issue. Powerless that I can't convince him that I do not mind at all.

These few days have been better though. Getting to meet him the other day and getting several texts from him really got me stoked. He is the only one who can steal my breath away.

Good Gray~!

Good gracious me! Doesn't time flies like a supersonic jet,or anything that could fly faster? Phew, gracious me, it's already Week 8 and it's the last day some more, to add the taste of it. How I wish time would just slow down a little bit. Not that the journey wasn't fulfilling but more like the journey taken as a whole is too precious to lose without the ability to savor it. The semester has moved on so fast that within two weeks' time, it's yet time again to hand in assignments and also undergo some break time, like FINALLY!?! I feel single but at the same time I also think I have not moved on much with B. Besides, I always feel very much loved and cared for whenever I am spending time either with B or A. And now, I even have a "Russian internet boyfriend" who communicate with me on an ongoing basis. Haha. Shouldn't I then feel privileged? Then why am I still feeling very confused and unsatisfied? I suppose the ideal person to take my heart would be B but age is such as issue for him and the fact that we never really did much during the past year. A is also pretty good and that we have very similar thinking but then again this isn't what he wants. And with my RIB, he's still in Russia like D'uh and the fact we have never met and all, it's just too complicated.

And Here I Am

Having an conversation the other day with A made me realized that I actually kinda like him but at the same time it also made me realized that I could have been liking him and wanting him just because I still haven't given up and moved on from B. I know that sounds awfully complicated but that's the way it is now. When he said 'no', initially I did feel a pinch but afterwards I realized it is not a pinch of rejection, but more of a wake up pinch. A wake up call that made realized I could have just been wanting him as a substitute for B. The reason why I finally became clear was because that when B texted me the other day saying he'll probably find out whether he's finally going interstate in two weeks' time, I could still feel the kick in the gut, and hence that's when I found out I have not truly moved on from him. And as I have told myself until I do so, it would be unwise and unfair to let someone else in. And therefore, I haven't and here I am being single and all. 

Sometimes Old Tricks Work The Best

I caught with B last night. I have never thought of it actually as I have been channeling my focus on other areas, or perhaps someone else, lately. Never would have thought I could get to see him bit it was good although it did smudged my feelings and focus once again. After the incident, it just made me wonder and question a lot about A. While I was supposed to be having a good night by going out and enjoying myself and at the same time to see for myself what's out there, it got me thinking whether I wanted A was simply because I have let him in or was it simply because he was the nearest substitute I could get. If it was the latter, then it would not have been fair to anyone, especially himself. I really don't wanna do the wrong thing, but at the same time. I couldn't achieve the right thing because B's definition of the right thing and mine are totally different and also going towards different directions. 

While I was really trying my best to adapt to the transition from B to A, the truth is, sometimes old tricks still work better, because of the familiarity to it all. Now that it has messed with my feelings, I'm just not sure whether I love B more or just simply the fact that I have loved him longer. Well, whatever it is, I guess only time can tell.

He Loves Me

The other day, I was catching up with B after all this while. After quite some time too. After some period of crankiness as well. Well the session was still as hot and romantic as before. However, the thing is that when he was about to leave, he said that he loves me. I was in total shock or disbelief to say the least. But we've already agreed that our relationship would remain a very special friendship. I told him about A and how I think he might be a potential replacement to him. He seems to be OK with it and therefore I asked the ultimate question, whether he would want me to let A in. He said yes because he thought that A seems to be a nice guy and all. Well, even me myself has started to act towards that fact unconsciously. As in, I would dream about him and also that I would think about him every now and then as well.  

I could not deny the fact that I did have some difficulty trying to fall asleep last night thinking and playing over and over again the image when B says he loves me. This is the first time he initiates the 'salutation'. I felt  very amazed. And I guess it's reflected in my non-cohesive nor coherent entry into the blog.

The Perfect Man

I have always said that the perfect man for me would have the following characteristics:-

-ginger head, curly hair, split chin, lefty, no specs, not a doctor, taller than me, able to cook, green eyes and most probably not an Asian (with no racism intended, just a preference)

However, these few weeks of my solo journey without B made me realize that all these are not as important if you can't spend the rest of your life without him. B has fulfilled most of the list.

He does not wear specs, he is in fact taller than me, he is able to cook (very well too), he is not a doctor nor an Asian, while the rest of him are dark blonde, neat hair, wrinkly eyes, right-handed and light blue eyes. Hey, but so what? He is the guy whom I've spent the most amazing 9 months with. He is the guy who actually cares for me. Sadly, he just might not be the guy who can stay by my side. But if there's is any slight chance that he can, who cares whether he is older than me by a leap of years? Well, at least I know I don't.

Somehow, all these made me realize that he is the one. He is my perfect man.