Sometimes Old Tricks Work The Best

I caught with B last night. I have never thought of it actually as I have been channeling my focus on other areas, or perhaps someone else, lately. Never would have thought I could get to see him bit it was good although it did smudged my feelings and focus once again. After the incident, it just made me wonder and question a lot about A. While I was supposed to be having a good night by going out and enjoying myself and at the same time to see for myself what's out there, it got me thinking whether I wanted A was simply because I have let him in or was it simply because he was the nearest substitute I could get. If it was the latter, then it would not have been fair to anyone, especially himself. I really don't wanna do the wrong thing, but at the same time. I couldn't achieve the right thing because B's definition of the right thing and mine are totally different and also going towards different directions. 

While I was really trying my best to adapt to the transition from B to A, the truth is, sometimes old tricks still work better, because of the familiarity to it all. Now that it has messed with my feelings, I'm just not sure whether I love B more or just simply the fact that I have loved him longer. Well, whatever it is, I guess only time can tell.

He Loves Me

The other day, I was catching up with B after all this while. After quite some time too. After some period of crankiness as well. Well the session was still as hot and romantic as before. However, the thing is that when he was about to leave, he said that he loves me. I was in total shock or disbelief to say the least. But we've already agreed that our relationship would remain a very special friendship. I told him about A and how I think he might be a potential replacement to him. He seems to be OK with it and therefore I asked the ultimate question, whether he would want me to let A in. He said yes because he thought that A seems to be a nice guy and all. Well, even me myself has started to act towards that fact unconsciously. As in, I would dream about him and also that I would think about him every now and then as well.  

I could not deny the fact that I did have some difficulty trying to fall asleep last night thinking and playing over and over again the image when B says he loves me. This is the first time he initiates the 'salutation'. I felt  very amazed. And I guess it's reflected in my non-cohesive nor coherent entry into the blog.

The Perfect Man

I have always said that the perfect man for me would have the following characteristics:-

-ginger head, curly hair, split chin, lefty, no specs, not a doctor, taller than me, able to cook, green eyes and most probably not an Asian (with no racism intended, just a preference)

However, these few weeks of my solo journey without B made me realize that all these are not as important if you can't spend the rest of your life without him. B has fulfilled most of the list.

He does not wear specs, he is in fact taller than me, he is able to cook (very well too), he is not a doctor nor an Asian, while the rest of him are dark blonde, neat hair, wrinkly eyes, right-handed and light blue eyes. Hey, but so what? He is the guy whom I've spent the most amazing 9 months with. He is the guy who actually cares for me. Sadly, he just might not be the guy who can stay by my side. But if there's is any slight chance that he can, who cares whether he is older than me by a leap of years? Well, at least I know I don't.

Somehow, all these made me realize that he is the one. He is my perfect man.

It's Time To Face Things

I'll admit it. Yeah, my results this semester were not so good or probably not good at all considering how it is the worst of all my time here at the ANU. But what can I say. Even though B and I technically broke up on the 5th week but the blues and stress have been going on ever since the exam period. Ever since that he did not wish me good luck.

I'm not exactly sure now whether liking or hating someone is easier. One thing that I do know is that he might have cheated on me when we were together. Not sure whether is the sorta cheating that everyone refers to, or the fact that he has been lying at times. I'm not exactly sure how things are gonna work out, but why can't I just enjoy being single? Why am I so afraid of being alone and being reminded of the wonderful times that I have spent with B? Am I in denial? I actually have no room for that sorta of thinking at the moment. All I want to know is that I'm "clean" when I receive my results this coming Thursday. It's very important to me.

For how long that I have not been updating this blog is for how long that I have been running from my own sadness and try not to feel bad about it. I know that I would have A now but is he the better man or the better substitute? That's because I do not want to substitute him for B. I feel that is unfair for him because he is such a nice guy but at the same time I do not dare to treat him like the better man because I'm not sure yet whether he has the same feelings for me or not.

Taking the bus this coming Thursday might be another nostalgic ride. Because the other day, sitting in the bus while waiting for it to take me to my destination, the whole journey only reminded me of one thing. The moments that I have had with B. All the wonderful memories of the past year. So I was wondering whether it is time to fit all those parts and parcels of my life into a box and seal it away in one corner of my heart? The thing is I was so ready to 'delete' B from my system until he gave me a ring the other day that started to create false hopes in me again. Sigh. Another thing that's hurting is the fact that he's not replying my texts or calls. Is he avoiding me on purpose, for the so-called right thing to do? I dunno. I can't read minds. Only time will tell, somehow that's the feelings I got.

Exam..or weekend blues..

Workaholic. I wonder how someone becomes a workaholic. Staying in the library since this morning looking at the accounting stuffs that I need to master by Monday morning for a few hours has already gotten me sick to the stomach. I really wonder how B does it. I wonder how someone can really be so into his/her work that he/she can just momentarily cuts him/herself from the world. If there’s anyone that would ever do that, it definitely would not be me. Today is also officially that we haven’t caught up for 3 weeks. During these last few days, especially after that conversation really makes me wonder whether he’s the right person anymore. Why do I suddenly have doubts in him? Is that the reason why he kept on saying he’s not good enough? Is it because of his experience and all that tell him he’s that sorta person who would not fit into my life?

And I’m kinda struggling too. Suffering inside that how on earth am I gonna tell him the whole thing. Because I know it sucks to hold it in and live with that guilt. Well, I guess what I’m really scare of is the fact that I wouldn’t know how he’s gonna react to it. Do I want him to be OK with it or do I want him to feel bad and sorta hates me a little bit? I dunno which is actually better. I really have no idea. No idea on whether I would be able to fork up the courage at the end to let him know about the whole thing. I just think that a healthy relationship needs to have a certain level of honesty. And I just think the only way to spill out the truth would be to keep embracing positive thoughts and just do it!

Besides, was I ever a workaholic before this? I dunno. But the one thing that I know for sure is the fact that I am not doing that great anymore in my studies. Used to be the perfectionist when it comes to academics, but now it just seems so less important. Looking at the PETS website this afternoon to look out for new announcements, and it was then I realized that the people who actually would be SI-ed this coming July are actually selected based on their academic performance. It was selected for people who managed to maintain a WAM of 75/80. After I calculated the WAM for all the 11 courses that I have done so far, I realized that my WAM was only somewhere like 73. OMG, right? I am now officially only an average D student. No longer being on the top of my game. I was wondering whether it’s the relationship with B as well.

After watching another episode of Gossip Girl where Blair just said that she has loved Chuck too much and she didn’t like the person she’s turning into because of that. Is the same thing happening to me? I mean, loving B too much that I’m to retarded to function. Because I think, B is right to a certain extent when he says he wants me to be able to ‘do stuffs’ which I often vaguely rejected over the past few months because I was secretly hoping that I would get the chance to get up with B. Sigh. A little too late to be regretful, isn’t it?

And that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now, while typing this entry, thinking that I haven’t really put much effort into doing my assignments this semester, if any, at all! My gosh! What in the name of God has happened to me? At the beginning of the year, I was like promising myself that I wanna get at least 3 HDs this semester. It is still do-able at this stage, just that I really need to nail that remaining two papers. Well, I better, considering how those two subjects are my majors and the only thing I can be proud of. Plus hopefully I did alright for Italian.

At first, I was feeling a bit relieved to have realized that I could actually substitute EMET1001 with some other second year course to still be able to get my finance major. And that would allow me to continue on my Italian for the next semester. And that’s what got me to the CPA website and, out of curiosity, that’s what got me to click on the Skilled Migration Assessment link and what got me browsing on the immigration website for more than an hour! Wondering whether would I ever be able to extend my stay over here. Sigh. I just think it is so no fair. Not fair that I am being exposed to this wonderful part of the world with wonderful experiences and when the time is up, I’m supposed to leave and wake up from my wonderful dream. That’s utterly so unacceptable. Well, I can only pray and hope that it would all turn out right in the end. Who knows, I might strike a $30m lotto! LOL!

Workaholic

Workaholic. I wonder how someone becomes a workaholic. Staying in the library since this morning looking at the accounting stuffs that I need to master by Monday morning for a few hours has already gotten me sick to the stomach. I really wonder how B does it. I wonder how someone can really be so into his/her work that he/she can just momentarily cuts him/herself from the world. If there’s anyone that would ever do that, it definitely would not be me. Today is also officially that we haven’t caught up for 3 weeks. During these last few days, especially after that conversation really makes me wonder whether he’s the right person anymore. Why do I suddenly have doubts in him? Is that the reason why he kept on saying he’s not good enough? Is it because of his experience and all that tell him he’s that sorta person who would not fit into my life?

And I’m kinda struggling too. Suffering inside that how on earth am I gonna tell him the whole thing. Because I know it sucks to hold it in and live with that guilt. Well, I guess what I’m really scare of is the fact that I wouldn’t know how he’s gonna react to it. Do I want him to be OK with it or do I want him to feel bad and sorta hates me a little bit? I dunno which is actually better. I really have no idea. No idea on whether I would be able to fork up the courage at the end to let him know about the whole thing. I just think that a healthy relationship needs to have a certain level of honesty. And I just think the only way to spill out the truth would be to keep embracing positive thoughts and just do it!

Besides, was I ever a workaholic before this? I dunno. But the one thing that I know for sure is the fact that I am not doing that great anymore in my studies. Used to be the perfectionist when it comes to academics, but now it just seems so less important. Looking at the PETS website this afternoon to look out for new announcements, and it was then I realized that the people who actually would be SI-ed this coming July are actually selected based on their academic performance. It was selected for people who managed to maintain a WAM of 75/80. After I calculated the WAM for all the 11 courses that I have done so far, I realized that my WAM was only somewhere like 73. OMG, right? I am now officially only an average D student. No longer being on the top of my game. I was wondering whether it’s the relationship with B as well.

After watching another episode of Gossip Girl where Blair just said that she has loved Chuck too much and she didn’t like the person she’s turning into because of that. Is the same thing happening to me? I mean, loving B too much that I’m to retarded to function. Because I think, B is right to a certain extent when he says he wants me to be able to ‘do stuffs’ which I often vaguely rejected over the past few months because I was secretly hoping that I would get the chance to get up with B. Sigh. A little too late to be regretful, isn’t it?

And that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now, while typing this entry, thinking that I haven’t really put much effort into doing my assignments this semester, if any, at all! My gosh! What in the name of God has happened to me? At the beginning of the year, I was like promising myself that I wanna get at least 3 HDs this semester. It is still do-able at this stage, just that I really need to nail that remaining two papers. Well, I better, considering how those two subjects are my majors and the only thing I can be proud of. Plus hopefully I did alright for Italian.

At first, I was feeling a bit relieved to have realized that I could actually substitute EMET1001 with some other second year course to still be able to get my finance major. And that would allow me to continue on my Italian for the next semester. And that’s what got me to the CPA website and, out of curiosity, that’s what got me to click on the Skilled Migration Assessment link and what got me browsing on the immigration website for more than an hour! Wondering whether would I ever be able to extend my stay over here. Sigh. I just think it is so no fair. Not fair that I am being exposed to this wonderful part of the world with wonderful experiences and when the time is up, I’m supposed to leave and wake up from my wonderful dream. That’s utterly so unacceptable.

Trying to Figure It out...

Woke up at around 5 this morning. Just couldn't sleep. Lying on my bed, rolling about and thinking much about him and miss him lots too.

Of all my 20 years worth of experience watching love dramas and romantic movies, I know there are two types of girls (well, in conventional context) in this world when it comes to guys. One is the type who will put aside anything, anything for the sake for the guy that she loves. The other type is the one who moves on and does her own stuffs and probably does not pay as much attention to her man as the time she spends with her own career or similar stuffs like that. Well, I guess you all can know by now that I'm probably 90% the former and 10% the latter.

Well, what can I do about it? Like, seriously? Am born a love angel with a soft and fragile heart that cares more about others than my own self.

And yes, just in case you're wondering, I am hurt. Hurt and hurt deeply. It is painful because B is still in Canberra and we have the capacity to be with each other still but he just shuts me off and kinda left in the dark wondering. Wondering whether I would be able to see him again or even have a decent conversation again.

As much as I always say that I would love him to stay in Canberra, the fact is I love him enough to let him go if he gets a new job elsewhere. I love him enough to not be selfish to keep him by my side and restrict him from having the future or career that he wants. I guess at the end of the day, I just have to reflect on what's the meaning of love in this kinda situation.

But now, now he's still here. I don't see any reason for us not to be together. All I'm asking for is that before the time comes, I just ask for us to be together as much as we can. The so-called 'cherish the moment'.