Love or Crush

I'm all guilty right now because as of this very second and moment I should not be having a dilemma whether that's love or just a crush. What's going on with me? 

On the one side, I think I have finally found that someone but the thing is he's been married before and he has two kids. However, I can feel that there's an honesty that's coming from him and I can feel the family-ness with him.

On the other side, I know I'm pretty much a bit greedy and lusty that I realize I have a crush on my coursemate. How pathetic that is. Pathetic because he doesn't even know. Well, he's not supposed to know anyway. Or else it wouldn't be a crush anymore. It'd be more like an unreturned liking. Haha.

Whatever it is, the dilemma here is that should I be focusing on the family guy that I managed to meet in life or should I wait for the little and mere possibilities that somehow crush guy would like me too? 

LuvBoBo

Predestined

As usual I always have my emotional moments when the exams or due dates are approaching and therefore would be wondering away and daydreaming. And that's basically how I get to wonder and thought about this predestined issue. 

I was watching Masterchef this once and then I get to see the pure happiness coming from the hearts of the contestants shown clearly without any hiding on their bright faces. And also while watching the Australian Idol 2009 I get to feel the moments once I treasured so much for being one of the most important elements in my life. And now, all those privileges are being taken and robbed away from me. This incident occurred on the very day that I signed and handed in what I labelled as and called my 'sale of selfness' contract. That's because that marked the very beginning of my predestined life. To be frank and truthful, I'm not a 'rules and regulations' person. I wanna be as flexible and care free as possible as I can. However, this thought seems so far away and merely possible now. 

That's the very when my freedom was taken away from me. Stereotypical thinking might say that people out there would be so envious of me because of this so called 'golden opportunity' offered to me plus the fact that I'm smart, clever, achieved good grades, yada yada yada but I truly and honestly think I envy those people out there more than I think I'm good. Honestly. And seriously. Not to say I don't like my life at the moment and not to say that I'm an ungrateful person either. Just that I don't embrace the thought of the reality that the way I could mould and shape my future is being so limited right now without me breaching the contract.

That's one thing. The second fact that I'm kinda not proud to announce to the world would be that the 'golden opportunity' actually requires me to be very 'detachable'. And that's the thing that I'm not looking forward to either. It's such a sin to give such a irresistible temptation which is basically now still a hole that I can never ever fall into at the moment. Wonder how it would be like to be free again. 

That's all for now I guess before I tune into the 'emotional' mode again.

LuvBoBo

Changes of life

Dear dears,

It's been quite some time since I last posted or wrote anything here. I'm not really sure this is a good sign or the other one. The thing is I usually only post stuffs when I feel the need of having someone to listen to my problems so that I'd feel much better. So I suppose this could be a sign that I'm having less problems nowadays or it's just the fact that I'm either too lazy or too busy to get them heard. Haha. 

Oh well not really. I'm kinda feeling confused and sad at the moment thinking some things here are not gonna be permanent. I always have to move on from one place to another. At least I'm less prone to make rash and irrational decisions nowadays. That's a good thing. But back to the main point, the thing is I don't wanna be so easily attachable and detachable. I don't wanna be flexible like the Post-it Stick On notes. What I''m really asking for is so that good things that ever happen to me stay with me. I do realize that my journey here in Australia has become more and more interesting but the thing is as we always say, all thing have to come to an end. Well, can it not please. Because frankly even though I'm the type of person who seeks changes in life, at the same time I'm also vulnerable and scared of the unknowns that are awaiting me ahead in life.

To some people it mat seems like a good thing to have a bit of a mystery and surprise in life. Good ones are not too bad though. It's all about when someone is starting to have real connections and real attachments to something that they're committed to, then that's the hard thing to give up in life.

LuvBobo