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That September Weekend
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In my quest for the perfect sunny weather and olive-skin in Sydney, I have decided that this shall be the weekend that I work on my writings again. On the bus journey here, I sort of have already prepared for this journey which I reckon would be quite interesting, relaxing, refreshing yet painful. Exciting because of what is to come. The step or the leap which would mark a turning point in my life. Things that I have never gotten the chance to do or just things that I never thought I would be able to undergo. Painful because this is the journey I would be taking to revisit all those wonderful memories which Brett and I have undergone together.
Who am I and do I really care about what other people think about what’s happening with my life?
As I’m sitting in Gloria Jean’s at Railway Sq. looking out into the perfect sunny day, a smile broke on my face . Maybe because I’m not afraid anymore. Maybe because I’m about to no longer hide but face the world bravely. Just days before, I’m thinking of running away. Away to places that I have never been to, like Bali, New York City, Europe and the list probably goes on forever. Maybe that was how I was brought up. Running.
Maybe what I am afraid of, after all, is graduation. Well, I haven’t got any clue how to continue the story of my life. So much for rebellion, hey! So much for taking a random gap year! Maybe I’m still afraid after all. Afraid that I might drag other people down with me. Or maybe it is just that I am afraid to face things alone. I need to say though, that my relationship with sis has gotten much more matured now and better than ever. Don’t let her know about this but I’m really not sure what I would do without her. As much as we don’t really talk to each other that much, I definitely think that we still have that sort of sibling-connections. I would be the one constantly trying to act tough and pretends that nothing is wrong. On the inside, I’m usually the one feeling all the emotions. She, on the other hand. would be the one as if she’s not matured and at all but she is also tougher and wiser than she looks. I suppose these are just the characters that we carry with us all these while and we have gotten so used to it.
It doesn’t matter now, at least I think so.
I am random and unpredictable but so what, this is who I am and I am proud to be who I am.
One of the questions that I hate the most to be asked is “Are you okay?”. I don’t know. Maybe it brings out the weakness in me and I hate to be perceived as weak. Growing up in that tough environment, I guess being weak is just purely unacceptable even for my standards.
And I also hate being clueless and not being able to do anything about it. For example, in debating. During topic releases, I would start panicking and my heart starts to beat at a slower tempo as well, as if I’m anticipating something to strike. Then, moments after the topic was released, I would be like I have no clue about this thing and I really cannot contribute anything to the discussion during prep time. This would usually make me feel very useless and that’s one of the things that I hate in life as well. Not having control over what is gonna happen next and not being able to do anything about it too. I guess I would have to admit that I am secretly a control freak. Perhaps I should just live life as it comes. Who’s better at planning rather than the almighty God himself?
The trip was cut short when just literally seconds before my massage treatment that I received a text from Brett. He was asking how I was and whether I would be free to be catching up when he comes to here next. I immediately said yes as the usual me would. Decided to drive back with one of my newly found girlfriends. Did I regret it? Not a single bit.
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The October Weekend
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Attending the CPA “Your Choices” information session the other day was like a flu shot given to the boy who has fallen ill for quite some time. Just that morning itself, I received a text from Brett that he is seeing someone and that was exactly like a shard of glass being pierced into my heart, all over again. When you take it out, it still leaves that awful wound that takes time to heal. Sigh..perhaps this is for the best. I have been heeling and hurting in a cyclical pattern that perhaps this would be the way out.
The information session reminded me of what I wanted in life before I met Brett. I was totally driven. I knew what I wanted and knew what I needed to do in order to achieve that. I have a plan. A masterplan. One those plans that go Plan A, Plan B, Plan C then contingency plans. I have to admit that the existence of Brett in my life was and is still like the situation where you hold a stack of papers walking down the street on a really windy day, then a gust of wind just blew your stack of paper every where. Non-retrievable. He was my gust of wind.
He is also the gust of wind that has swept me off my feet, time and time again.
Leona Lewis’ “Happy” shows me that I deserve to be living my life. At the same time though, the words were so real and reflective of what could be summed up as my situation, especially the part on where she could not turn on the TV because every scene reminds her of something. Exactly the same situation here.
Mariah Carey’s “Without You” suggests to me that the love has been true and hence it hurts so much. Topped up with Britney Spear’s “From the Bottom of My Broken Heart”, this is a true love that will remain in my heart forever even until the next prince charming comes along. Sometimes I do wonder whether I am like the main character in the movie ‘I am Number 4”? That we can only fall in love once and for all. Does that mean I am meant to be hurting forever then?
Demi Lovato’s “Skyscrapper” suggests otherwise. It sums it all up in a way that I should have been stronger, way stronger. To be able to withstand any hurdles or come what may.
